On a farm just by the park
Lives a goat whose coat is dark,
Yellow eyes and a beard underneath.
And just above the beard
It’s really very weird
Is a set of really VERY funny teeth.
To all purpose and intents
He’s got teeth just like a fence
When they chatter, you can hear them
From Penzance to Hampstead Heath.
And all the Grans and little boys
Say “What IS that awful noise?”
And Mum says, “It’s just the Goat With Funny Teeth.”
But the goat said, “Don’t tell whoppers,
It’s a lovely set of choppers
And you’re very stupid, if you laugh at me.
I’m a famous goat, I am
Known from Scotland to Siam
And from Melbourne to Memphis, Tennessee.”
The goat said with a flounce,
“It’s the goat inside that counts,
And I’m a very gifted goat, as you will see.
You may snigger at my snappers,
But I play them like maracas
And I’ve even had my own show on TV.”
“I can tap them with a bone
Just like a xylophone
And rattle them just like a castanet.
I can strum them like a banjo
While dancing a fandango
And play the trumpet while I pirouette.
You may sneer at their size
But they’re great for crimping pies,
And I can eat the roof right off your grandad’s shed.
When they hear my One-Goat Band
People all applaud and stand,
And say “That goat’s the best thing ever since sliced bread!”
I’ve had fan-mail for my teeth
From Bengal to County Meath
From Chesterfield and China and Capri.
The audience go wild,
Every woman, man and child,
For my tooth-tapping theme from Rose Marie.
Conductors with moustaches
Simply rave about my gnashers
And all love my rendition of Chicago,
They find that my incisors
Hold quite a few surprise
You’d be amazed what I can do with Handel’s Largo.
I can play a pizzicato
While eating a tomato,
And dance a jig while playing parts of Tosca.
I’ve had loads of adventures
With my fascinating dentures
And several nominations for an Oscar.
I’ve signed photos of my molars
For a million rock ‘n’rollers
And those operatic tenors all love me.
I’ve never had a filling
And I always get top billing
My big fangs are my fortune, as you see.
So don’t titter at my teeth
Respect the goat that’s underneath
Be nice to Goats With Funny Teeth like me.”